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banZaii_itZ_keIk0o
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Name: keiko
Location: Queens, New York, United States
Interests: my friends are my love. running is fun. dance the night away. and love like you've never been hurt.
Occupation: runner, rebel and a stunner.
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/25/2005
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| Approximately a week ago, a guest speakers came to my class to give a lecture on health care in Massachusetts. My class, Organization and Delivery of Health Care in the United States, is focused on.. well, you get the idea. It's boring, but informative: describes the current health care system, different methods of payment and funding, etcetc. YAWNN. As soon as I step into the classroom and take a seat, my eyelids suddenly get really heavy.. and I'm about to fall asleep haha
Yet, there was something about this speaker. He came to talk about the improvements that he and the rest of the board made various improvements in the MA health care system. The health outcomes of these changes were very impressive, and percentage-wise, a lot better than the national average. MA has a lower infant mortality rate, lower uninsured percentage of population, and lower cost. The US spends almost 17% of its GDP on health care!
Anyways, back to my subject. This man could not hide his enthusiasm and passion for his job. I felt the passion radiating out from every word he spoke- I kinda wish I were exaggerating haha. Yet, the results were impressive, and it made me hope that I would one day become as passionate towards my career as this man was. I want to tell people- this is what I do- and say it with the utmost pride. He didn't come off arrogant. He was stating facts; clear evidence of improvement- that a more accessible and affordable health care system is possible. He, along with others, is making changes that could affect the lives of thousands, no- millions. It was moving. As an undergraduate student taking pre-reqs, it's hard to see past the exams, practicals, and papers. It's hard to see where I'm going, and I was starting to lose my focus. Actually- I'm pretty sure I messed up my lab practical. But the speaker was definitely a wake-up call. I'm working hard so I can make a change, no matter how small it may be. And I can't wait to have something to be proud of.
If you're proud of what you do, there's no need to hide it. You worked your ass off to get there, so why not? | | |
| Reading blogs, listening to my favorite songs and singing along, thinking of what to make for dinner, cooking, studying, going to class, pouring water, staying on facebook, doing nothing, reading, talking to my friends, meeting new people, and thinking in general- Everything just seems like a distraction from what I really feel. It's no wonder why I prefer to be busy.
Being busy is a distraction from my inner thoughts. Scratch that, it's a distraction from whatever it is inside of me: incohesive thoughts, strings of hope, disbelief of reality, and a cloud of mixed feelings. I don't understand them all, but I know that, subconsciously, I try not to think of them. But I can't lie to myself. As soon as I pass the surface, the feelings come flooding out, and it's a struggle to push them back in. There are so many things that I had wished to keep inside; so many things that I still cannot bring myself to tell others; so many things I've told that make me feel vulnerable; so many things I don't know.
Is there a certain topic or just a certain word that make you face your fear? Mine- is 'death.' This word, or anything related to death makes me feel uncomfortable, sad, and scared.
Registration for next semester (classes) is this Saturday, and a few people recommended a humanities course, "Death and Immortality." Apparently, the professor is great, fun, and according to one of the reviews- the best professor in BU. At first I thought, "awesome, this class fits right in my schedule." In a few moments, this initial excitement disappeared. I realized I could not face death, not yet at least. It's a fear I am not over, but will I ever be over it? It's a different fear than being afraid of dying. I'm afraid of death being a part of reality- that the world moves on like nothing happened, even though nothing will ever be the same for you.
But death, please let me avoid you for a little while more. Let me fill my world with distractions again.
"The cycle of life is positive because it gives room for new things" - Alexander Mcqueen. | | |
| Everything. Everything felt so heavy, daunting, and unbearable. I felt alone in a fight that I couldn't win. I felt that I was stuck in a storm I couldn't escape. There were heavy clouds that poured down right on my rays of hope.
Yesterday, I had a small meltdown, the first one in a while. My sister had sent me a picture from the summer- one of me and my dogs. I don't know why, but my eyes had watered. Although only a few tears, it felt as though there were raindrops from an April thunderstorm. My warm tears had somehow transformed into cold reminders of everything I needed to do. At that moment, I longed for the warmth and comfort of summer, my dogs greeting me every time I walked home, working in a small restaurant, and doing nothing but being with my friends and family.
I had a midterm and a lab practical today, and I felt too much pressure to do well on both. Since the weekend, these two things had been on my mind, and I had been waking up early to study before work. Weird, isn't it? I thought I had gotten used to this busy life of two jobs, school, vice-president of a club, and volunteer, but it all seemed like too much. Somehow, I felt myself getting crushed under everything. Yesterday was my first feeling of hopelessness- a reminder that I'm not superwoman and I can't do everything. It was a slap in my face. I didn't have anyone to turn to or to ask for help from. I felt alone, and helpless. Fortunately, today- both my tests didn't go badly. One of my tests, the easier one actually, I did worse than I could have. What can I say- opportunity cost- I had to dedicate more of my time to study for the lab practical.
After the practical and hours of studying, I decided to give myself a break from the books tonight. Of course, my head will be stuck in the pages starting tomorrow, again, but for now, I'm enjoying my break. Writing my first xanga entry in far-too-long, eating too much chocolate for one sitting, catching up on my sleep until Thursday, turning my brain off, and listening to my heart. actually.. correction: listening to my body. Sometimes, we just need to rest. I don't have weekends anymore, and quite frankly, I don't look forward to the weekend. But I'm getting through this- no matter what. | | |
| A timeless saying, don't you think?
You're only as old as you feel. Ok, got that.
But I thought of this phrase for other reasons. Today I realized that one of my friends in college is the same age as my sister. I am not saying that there is a problem with being an older student. It just hit me that she is the same age as my sister who is working a full-time job as an assistant designer. She works from mon-fri from 8 or 9 am to 5pm. Usually, she works overtime until 8pm or later. Her life right now revolves around work. Needless to say, she still has time for a boyfriend and taking care of a dog. Did I mention she moved out too? Although I don't know my friend too well, she seems to have it so much easier. Going to college , living in an apartment, and no job? I'm not assuming that she has no problems whatsoever; I was just surprised when I realized the huge difference in circumstances.
I can also relate this to another friend of mine who is the same age as I. During the summers, I bust my ass at work, quite frankly, to make money. I make money during the summer so I can pay for school. I know my school isn't cheap, and it's hard to afford. I paid 3/4 of my tuition (or what was left of it after finaid) with my own money, and sadly, I needed help paying for the remaining 1/4. But my friend here, who often complain about not having money, has been paying full tuition every year. She also complains about having too much work to do, when she often chooses to have the extra work on her shoulders. I know you have it hard, but we all do. We're all working as hard as we can.
So what does age say about you anyways?
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| "it's up to you to make the next move."
This was written on one of my fortune cookies that I got about 3 years ago. And still, I keep it in my wallet everyday, reminding myself that little things do make a difference, and I can make the difference that I want to see.
After countless falls, mistakes, fights, tears, and regrets, I've learned how to stand up for myself, and how to stand up after I fall, with a little help of course. Most importantly, I've learned that people aren't mind-readers, no matter how hard we may try; that we have to say what we're thinking if we want to get our thoughts across, especially to those who mean the most to us. Heck, even if we don't want them to know what we're feeling, it's better to let the person to know, for their sake as well. Sometimes, it's hard to say what's on our mind or even form sentences from our scattered thoughts. But if the person cares, he/she will try their best to understand. Isn't that more than enough?
Because of this mindset, I really appreciate people who are honest with their feelings to themselves and to others. If you like someone, not even as a love interest, but just as a person, you act that way. You talk to them and spend time with them so both parties are happy. If you don't like them, don't act like you do. You're not only hurting the other person, but yourself as well. Lying is the hardest thing to do- you can't always keep track of your lies, and you never know when it'll come to bite you in the ass.
There's someone who means a lot to me, whom I love talking to and just laughing with at absolutely nothing. Yet.. I don't think the feeling's mutual. I've written about how it's really hard to tell if you're actually trying your best, but in this case, I think I am, without being nagging.
I've been trying to talk to this person, but their (cause i don't want to specify his/her) responses are always short or quite frankly, unfriendly. Sometimes they don't even respond. And what I've learned is that there's no use waiting for something that won't come. As much as I knew that before, I was waiting with a pinch of hope.
I want to be as close as we were before, but it seems impossible by the way they act now. Maybe i'm the one who's changed. I don't know, but I don't think it's just me. I would love to confront them, but I'm going to step back. I don't want to intrude their personal space if they're not willing to share, and I don't want to step on any toes.
As much as I want to change the way things are between us, it's just not up to me. As much as I yearn, I can't change the situation or the outcome. As a person who loves planning and knowing what's going to happen, unable to do anything is harder than it seems.
But sometimes, you gotta let go. Sometimes you have to protect your heart and your dignity.
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